9 Things That Only Hipsters Will Relate To
If you’re the sort of person who spends Christmas Day ranking the feature documentaries of Werner Herzog before gathering your entire family round to demonstrate how a flat white *should* be made — then congratulations, you’re a hipster! Here are nine things that only you will relate to:
9 — You Prefer Debbie McGee to Paul Daniels
Hipsters love magic, and there’s nothing more magical than the husband and wife duo who’ve been keeping generations of hipsters entertained for decades. But wait, you prefer Debbie McGee? That’s so hipster!
8 — You Own A Small Skip Hire Company
Nothing screams ‘hipster’ like the outsourcing of compact, utilitarian spaces to be filled with scrap timber, old kitchen appliances, and miscellaneous urban detritus. But only a true hipster would think to spin this idea into a fully-fledged company. Go you!
7 — You’ve Performed In The Eurovision Song Contest
Think hipsters revel in obscurity? Think again! Nothing could be more deliciously ironic than performing a cheesy pop number in front of an international audience of millions. For many hipsters, singing ‘Children Of The Universe’ in front of Terry Wogan is the holy grail of cool.
6 — You Smoke Ethically-Sourced Celery
Whilst lung cancer might have been en vougue back in the 70's, today’s hipster takes an altogether cleaner approaching to rolling their own cigarettes. In fact, a simple trip to the allotment is all that’s needed to acquire that sweet green leaf — celery.
5 — You Made Your Own Bike From Matchsticks and Used Hubba Bubba
Hipsters pride themselves on being resourceful, and when choosing a bike they’ll almost never give their money away to a multi-national company. Instead, bicycles can easily be made from bits lying around the house bonded together with retro bubble gum. The ‘Hubba Bubba Bike Club’ in Hackney is one of the fastest growing collectives in the UK, but with membership prices starting at £300 per month, you’ll have to be pretty resourceful to make the cut!
4 — Your iPad Has It’s Own iPad
In a digital society where every man and his dog owns an iPad, only a hipster will take care to make sure his iPad is well looked-after — buy buying it it’s own iPad. That way, the iPad can effectively work itself, leaving you to discuss that new start-up idea over a flat white and organic quinoa.
3 — You Live Vicariously Through Irony On The Internet Because Expressing A Genuine Emotion or Original Opinion Would Leave You Fatally Exposed As Both Vulnerable and Undeveloped
Sure, it’s a bit of a mouthful — but ask any hipster for a genuine opinion and the best you’ll get is a smirk or a wry tweet. Top Tip: If you’re with a hipster then stick to asking questions about Instagram or brunch.
2 — You Drink Bucks Fizz
Bucks Fizz is a drink that used to be popular but is now no longer available. Unless you’re a hipster, in which case you will track it down and you will damn well drink every last drop of it.
1 — You Have Forgotten What It Is That You Used to Enjoy
Whether it’s kicking a football around in the garden, going to the garden centre with your Dad, or simply browsing the books in your local library — Hipsters have all but forgotten whatever it was they used to derive pleasure from before the world of six-second looping videos and Snapchat. But how good could it have been, really?
